.wgbh.org and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> if you want to protect yourself get a double barrel shotgun. put it and fire two blasts outside the house. i promise you who is coming in is not -- you don't need an ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers an captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. please, nation, sit down. as an american i don't like to talk about other countries that are not us. with their crazy names -- "notamerica-stan." [laughter] but tonight, every single story i will be reporting on comes from another country. i'm not happy about it either. blame the u.n. [laughter] first up, a story that is rocking theworld of meat. >> the united kingdom's meat industry is in disarray after horse meat was discovered in products intended for humans. >> food giant nestle suspending some of its deliveries after traces of horse dna were found in the meat. >> stores in britain, france and sweden now yanking beef pr

] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. please, nation, sit down. as an american i don't like to talk about other countries that are not us. with their crazy names -- "notamerica-stan." [laughter] but tonight, every single story i will be reporting on comes from another country. i'm not happy about it either. blame the u.n. [laughter] first up, a story that is rocking theworld of meat. >> the united kingdom's meat industry is in disarray after horse meat was discovered in products intended for humans. >> food giant nestle suspending some of its deliveries after traces of horse dna were found in the meat. >> stores in britain, france and sweden now yanking beef products off the shelves over a horse meat scare. >> burger king admits some of its patties in england and ireland were tainted with horse meat. >> stephen: someone in europe is trying to slip you their tainted meat, and for once it's not silvio burlesconi. [laughter] he has been known to yank his meat off the shelves: 4r5 h- [laughter] now, everyone in europe is worried that they may be bit

requests like they make requests to their parents, white kids. "look here, mommy, i want to use the garage for a whole week and promise you're not gonna come in there." (laughter) "okay, billy." he down there making a nuke. lights are flickering, the cable ain't working. she at the door, "i know he's doing something but i gave him my word. i'm not gonna go in there. i don't want to break my promise. you know black people. you better not close no door at your mother's house. you could be buck naked, lotioning yourself and she'll kick the door, "let go of the lotion. you leave the lotion out here for everybody to use. i'm up here late for work looking for the lotion. pack your-- get out of here, pack your stuff and get up out of here." see you all later. my name is earthquake. (cheers and applause) captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services. @@actress from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, oh, my god! hey, everybody, welcome t

] this is the longest head i've ever had. [ laughter ] we've got a nice one. the actress alison brie will be joining us from the hit show "community." p my guess is she'll in no way tell us what is going on there but i'm excited. let's begin tonight with america. as if you didn't know the reference. i put that up there to let you know. remember that map from the placemat at howard johnsons. [ laughter ] as you know, our country has been on a difficult run. gas prices have risen steadily over the last few months. our president is unsure whether he has the authority to target americans on our mainlandslandsh missiles. and geraldo is thinking of running for senate. it's been a tough run. we decided to do a segment aimed at boasting our morale called we may be (bleep) but -- let me explain to you. let's begin with horsemeat. >> imagine buying frozen hamburgers and litter discovering that the patties you assumed were beef were ground horse meat. >> jon: eww. [laughter] you won't me to touch where you? [laughter] -- me to touch you where? that's where you go to the bathroom. [ laughter ] that is outrageous.

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